Learning How to Stop Abandoning Myself

Sometimes I wonder how much our health is connected to the lives we’ve lived.

Like… if stress can physically live inside the body, mine has probably signed a long-term lease agreement and decorated the place.

I can honestly say I’ve spent most of my life stressed. Not little stress. Real stress. Trauma stress. Survival stress. The kind of stress that changes your nervous system and quietly chips away at your health over time while you keep pretending you’re “fine.”

And today? My health definitely isn’t at its best.

Sometimes things improve a little, and then they slide backwards again. And what’s frustrating is I know better. I know when I go to the gym consistently, I feel better. I know when I eat clean, I feel better. My mood improves. My body improves. My soul almost feels like it reconnects with my body again.

And yet… when depression hits or life gets chaotic, everything falls apart.

The gym stops.
The routines stop.
The meal prep stops.
And suddenly you’re laying there wondering how something as simple as getting yourself back together again can feel so impossible.

One of the biggest things I’m trying to understand is how to build consistency in my life without allowing stress, conflict, heartbreak, exhaustion, finances, or life in general to completely derail me every single time.

What I have learned is accountability works really well for me.

When I had a personal trainer, I showed up. Every time. Apparently if someone is standing there waiting for me while holding a clipboard, I become responsible. Who knew.

Unfortunately, financially that’s not sustainable for me right now, so I’m trying to learn how to become my own accountability. My own inner personal trainer. Although my inner personal trainer currently sounds more like:
“Maybe tomorrow. You’ve had a hard week.”

The other reality is my body has been struggling.

I have a condition that causes me to pass out. It hasn’t been fully diagnosed yet. Some symptoms resemble POTS, but tests haven’t given clear answers. All I know is sometimes I stand up and my body decides we’re done participating in the day.

It’s caused broken bones, cuts, injuries… but honestly, one of the hardest parts isn’t even the fainting itself. It’s the exhaustion.

The kind of exhaustion where walking up stairs feels like climbing a mountain.

And when your body constantly feels unreliable, it’s hard not to feel disconnected from yourself.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m confused by who I’m looking at.

My soul feels young. Spiritual. Alive. But my body doesn’t always reflect how I feel inside. And yes, before anyone says it, I know some of this is aging and life and stress and hormones… and yes, I still want a facelift. Listen, we can be spiritual and still want tighter skin. Both things can exist.

But somewhere recently, I decided I’m done waiting for someone else to fix me.

That doesn’t mean I’m anti-doctor or anti-medical care. It just means I’m realizing that maybe my daily habits, stress levels, boundaries, movement, food choices, and emotional health might play a bigger role in my quality of life than I’ve been giving them credit for.

So I’m taking control where I can.

I’ve started peptides.

And yes, I know there’s controversy around them. I know people have opinions. I’m not here to convince anyone to do anything. I’m simply sharing my own journey.

Peptides aren’t new, but they’re new to me, and I’m researching as much as I can while introducing things slowly and carefully into my body.

And honestly?

Two weeks in, I feel different.

Not magically cured.
Not running marathons through fields of butterflies.
But different.

Lighter somehow.

Like maybe there’s a little hope again.

Maybe not a rainbow exactly… maybe just a stream moving on a rainy day. But movement is still movement, and right now I’m learning to appreciate that.

I’ve also discovered that gluten and I are no longer friends.

I don’t know if it’s celiac, gluten sensitivity, or my stomach simply choosing violence, but if I eat bread, crackers, donuts, or basically anything delicious, I end up in serious pain.

And let me tell you, avoiding gluten sounds very cute and healthy until someone walks past you with fresh bread.

Honestly, what I would do for a peanut butter sandwich.

I’ve also removed most dairy because my stomach clearly has opinions about that too.

And apparently alcohol has also decided to betray me against my will.

I didn’t really choose to give it up. It’s more like my body has developed a sadistic sense of humour and now thinks I should receive a migraine after less than a glass of wine.

Which honestly feels rude.

So now instead of a relaxing wine night, I get approximately fourteen minutes of happiness followed by dehydration and regret.

A beautiful journey.

And no, I’m not becoming one of those wellness people who says things like:
“My body craves kale.”

My body craves cinnamon buns and emotional support.

But I’m trying to listen to what actually makes me feel better instead of what temporarily comforts me.

I’m also learning I cannot push myself too hard physically.

If I go too hard in the gym and injure my elbows or knees, I completely fall off track. And at this age, recovery isn’t exactly immediate. I’m not a spring chicken. I’m more like a slightly weathered emotional support pigeon trying my best.

So my goal now isn’t punishment.

It’s consistency.

Slow consistency.
Gentle consistency.
Realistic consistency.

I want to eat clean.
Exercise consistently.
Manage stress better.
Keep conflict out of my life.
Stop putting myself on the back burner for everyone else.

Because the truth is, I’m over 50… and I don’t think I’ve ever truly made myself the priority before.

And maybe that’s part of the problem.

So for the next 30 days, I’m choosing myself.

I’m going to walk my dogs more.
Spend quiet time alone without guilt.
Read books again.
Go to therapy.
Move my body.
Protect my peace.
And stop abandoning myself just to make everyone else comfortable.

And honestly?
That alone might be the healthiest thing I’ve ever done.

So this is where my journey starts.

Messy.
Imperfect.
Slightly overwhelmed.
Probably under-caffeinated.
Still sarcastic.
Still healing.

But moving forward.

And right now, that’s enough.

Also, if anyone has good book recommendations, send them my way. Apparently this is my “healing era,” and healing people read books now.